So the past month I took time to be still. Amidst the craze of the anticipated move, the questions as to what is next, and my own anxieties on how to fund this incredible yet costly journey, I had to stop.
Stop running around with so much to do.
Stop making itineraries and budgets.
Stop. Just STOP. and be STILL.
“Be still and be with me.
Be still and be okay … with yourself, your life, your results, your today.”
In the stillness I heard the voice of God saying,
“You have nothing to prove because I am okay with you;
With your life, your results, your today.”
And even with this assurance, the thoughts still ran, the questioning still asked and screamed back, “No! You need more, you need something bigger, something better to show the world that you have won, that you are able. The success that finally lives up to your “potential”, you need this now! Without it, you have nothing and what you’ve suffered has added up to zero.”
So I made myself believe that God wanted me to have that as well, that like in the parable of the talents (Matthew 25:14-30), he wanted me to produce something more with what he has given me. That if I didn’t give him a return on his investment I was a waste. So more planning, more running around.
Then one more time that still small voice stopped me in my tracks; Whispering in my ear,
“You’ve missed the point.”
It was never about making something more to show the world, it was about SEEING the something more already in my hands. That Christ IS my something more, my something to show the world I have made it, the return on the beautiful investment God made on the cross.
I am already something because of His death on the cross; His love for me.
“For the joy set before him he endured the cross…” Hebrews 12:2
His grace has allowed me to believe in Him and follow him. He has already given me the greatest gift, in my hands to show the world, and nothing that I ever do or not do in my worldly endeavors will ever change that, ever.
What I was seeking to prove was nothing but a small gem compared to the brilliance of relationship and intimacy with Christ Jesus.
What I had been seeking in projects and success, in potential relationships, I needed to seek deeper in Christ.
Now I see that when I have that desire for a relationship or a successful venture, when I feel that doubt in what I have accomplished so far it is really a cry for acceptance and love. When no one is around to cheer you on anymore, like some of our parents may have done back in high school, or significant others, or best friends, we tend, or at least, I tend to get busy, to find something to do, anything to cheer myself on and tell myself, “I’m okay.”
Today I tell myself that I don’t have to do anything anymore, apart from live deeply, richly, and desperately seeking the Lord my God. That he is the one cheering me on, accepting me, and loving me unconditionally today, right now, before anything on my 5 year plan comes to fruition.
“Be still and know I am God” Psalm 46:10
carries a new meaning in my heart today. It means Know he is God and know I am his beloved. What may become, whether I do accomplish something the world admires, matters far less than knowing and keeping this truth. So as a continue to the of next phase of my mission, I enter with a sober mind, a refreshed heart, and a submitted will
“not my will be done but yours, Lord. “
I cannot extinguish the passion I have for social entrepreneurship, performing arts, ministry, for it is something God gave me, but I can constantly step back and realize the true purpose behind everything. Never forgetting that my identity does not rest in what I do, but who I already am in Christ Jesus, the savior King.
Christ-y-Ana 
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